Changing the Rules of the Dating Game

Originally published April 2009.

Like many 20-something women in the New York metro area (and men, I might add, although they’ll never admit it), I enjoy catching an occasional rerun of Sex and the City. It’s like fortuitously bumping into an old friend on a street corner, one who is entirely empathetic, capable of picking right up where you left off the last time, and who has the gift of graciously – but firmly – reminding you that your latest “unique” dating fiasco is just one of the millions experienced by women all over New York City… and far beyond.

But after watching a recent episode in which the Sex and the City crew introduces the world to the now omnipresent phrase, “He’s just not that into you,” it occurred to me that my old friend actually might be the one in need of some fresh perspective.

Despite all her stellar advice, she wasn’t wending her way through the bars of Manhattan and Fairfield County during an ugly recession: one that I’m convinced is changing the rules of the dating game for good.

It turns out that the Sex and the City episode in question first aired in the summer of 2003, just as the Dow was beginning a steady, ebullient ascent towards its highest levels in history, and even while grappling with major national challenges, the U.S. seemed to be regaining a sense of hopefulness in the strength of our national leadership, character and financial largesse.

What that meant back in the summer of 2003 and up until very recently was that plenty of “Alpha Male Frat Boys” were populating the dating scene. These are the guys who moved straight from the frat house, the lacrosse team, or “B-School” to huge payouts (and huger senses of entitlement) at UBS et al., the ones who grabbed shares of houses in the Hamptons, dropped a few hundred bucks on drinks for willing women in exclusive bar/clubs in NYC, and had the luxury of deciding which one of those women he would be “into” on any given day.

While these trends no doubt contributed to considerable anxiety among women seeking their One True Love – hence, the resonance and empowering quality of the battle cry, “He’s just not that into you!” – there also was a comforting quality in the predictability of Alpha Male Frat Boy behavior.

I, like many other women, discovered firsthand that UBS Man may not always have been Prince Charming, but there still was fun to be had, along with the cocky confidence and monetary resources to make the fun endure.

And when we learned to pick up the predictably disappointing (and occasionally infuriating) signs that he just wasn’t that into us, we could cut our losses, remembering never ever to make guys like that the epicenter of our mental energy, and move onto bigger and better adventures – many of them labeled “Girl’s Night Out.”

It’s unlikely this pattern will ever disappear completely, but I still would argue that the once spot-on benediction needs an important update: “He’s just not that into you… and we’re in a major recession.”

The dating trends that accompany this new and different period of economic downturn in fact are worthy of a Sex and the City episode – or maybe even a miniseries event.

The series would be scripted from the numerous stories that have accumulated under the banner, “recession dating,” a catch phrase that is gaining some ground among the young professional set. Here are a few of my favorite play-by-plays:

1. The Scene
(Former) UBS Man: Uh, yeah, we should grab a drink sometime –

Employed Young Professional Woman: I know this really great wine bar in the East 50s–

(Former) UBS Man: Oh… I was thinking this place that has $2 Buds from 2pm to 7pm on Sundays… cool?

2. The Excuses
Employed Young Professional Woman: Oh hey, yeah, it’s been awhile... I just kind of figured “whatever” at this point –

One of the Few Still Employed Men: Yeah, sorry – I’ve just been working SO MUCH and I there are more layoffs and I’m just so stressed… and then this buddy of mine, he got laid off so I’ve been out with him –

Employed Young Professional Woman: I get it. It’s just so funny that you said it was exactly like that a few weeks ago, when we hung out maybe three nights in a row and then that Saturday but–

One of the Few Still Employed Men: Yeah. It’s just a really crazy time, ya know?

3. Less Funny, More Real
Best Friend Forever 1: It’s just tough, we’re fighting a lot over nothing, he’s just going through a really rough tough time, and I’m trying to empathize but sometimes it’s almost impossible–

Best Friend Forever 2: You have to know it’s not you, it’s just the circumstances, you guys are perfect for each other, it’s really going to be fine.

Best Friend Forever 1: I know. I guess it’s better to figure all this stuff out now anyway, right?

As far as I can tell, there’s been a good deal more “figuring things out now” in the dating world. The Alpha Male Frat Boy model has taken a hit. The comforting patterns of meeting, dating, living it up, and letting go are less regular. The mental energy that once was left for the fun of the dating game now seems to get poured into job applications, resume updates, and financial worries among a group of people – both men and women – who at one point felt invincible and on top of the world.

I don’t doubt that like the financial markets, the “correction” going on in this particular slice of the young professional dating scene is cyclical and will eventually take another turn, but for now, we’re moving through uncharted territory. The rules of the game are changing.

That said, there actually is a hopeful, best-case scenario for All The Single Ladies still seeking The One: It’s a lot easier to differentiate the princes from the frogs. With that power of discernment in hand, we can change the battle cry: “She’s just not that into you!”

Christina Ciocca grew up in Darien and graduated from Greenwich Academy. She works in communications and public relations at The Dilenschneider Group in New York City.